With all my strength, I held back from showing my true feelings for Lancelot upon his return from imprisonment.  It was almost impossible to keep myself from going to him and embracing him.  Was it Love that I was trying to subdue? Perhaps that was a part of my feelings.  But it was more than that.  I was as grateful and as moved by his chivalry as I was by any feelings of love.  For it was he alone that overcame so many obstacles, so many trials and tribulations in my name.  He may have hesitated for just a moment before climbing into the cart, but now that I have the luxury of hindsight, it is clear to me that that was the only hesitation he has ever demonstrated on behalf of me, my welfare and my name.  Did he not follow me straight into the forest as soon as I was taken there?  My own husband stood idly by as I rode off with Kay, it had to be suggested by Gawain that someone should follow us at all.  If it was left to my husband, my safety and well being may still be unknown to this very day.  To what ends was I to go with Kay? To prove that I would have done anything to ensure my husbands happiness.  I now know that he was incapable of doing the same for me.  My heart has never know such sadness as this.  
     Lancelot on the other hand has done everything in his power to ensure my safe return and happiness.  He has sacrificed himself and almost gave up his own life in my name.  Lancelot has shown a complete and utter devotion to me, not just as a loyalty  to the King and his crown but to me in my own right.  And these things have provoked feelings in me that I had not experienced until the bravest of knights brought them out in me.  It is possible that some people call it love, but I would argue that is much more than love alone. My feelings for Lancelot go beyond mere romantic love that has the capacity to ebb and flow.  My feelings are a mirror of the unwavering devotion I have been shown.  It would have been cruel for me to hold back anything from a knight that has done more than expected of a mere mortal.  Our love and devotion for each other transcend the bonds of marriage.  But by controlling myself upon the return of my brave knight, I was able to make a sacrifice for him, I was able to endure my own pain for his benefit.  What good would come to either of us if our shared past was brought into the light? It would bring ruin to us both.   And so I reasoned that by keeping still now, we would one day be free to love again.
    And alas, it is my deepest wish that all in this kingdom can move beyond Lancelot's transgression in relation to the cart.  I would hold that he has done much more with his life than merely taken a ride in a cart.  He has proven himself a brave and gallant beyond measure.  I pray that these noble attributes become his new legacy. 

PictureSir Mordred by: H. J. Ford (Artist) from: The Book of Romance, 1902
      What did my uncle expect, when he left his court and his kingdom and his wife behind to fight his campaigns? Did he expect his kingdom  to  wait, frozen as a portrait, while he battled the might of Rome? Did he expect it of Wenhaver [Guinevere], his wife? Indeed,  had that messenger not come to Arthur with news of my 'betrayal,' Arthur would not have returned, perhaps for many years yet. He intended to go on with his warring, first in Burgundy and then on to Rome. He would have been away at least another season, likely more than that. Should we have waited for him at his doors, panting like his hounds with eagerness for his long-awaited return? We went on with our lives, Wenhaver [Guinevere] and I, and all of his people who accepted me as king in place of he who seemed with each passing season less likely to return.

What's more, I have done no more than Arthur's own father, Uther, did, when he went to the woman he loved while her husband was away at war. I, at least, came to Wenhaver [Guinevere] with my true face, rather than the guise of another. 

Yet now Arthur is on his way, with murder in his heart for me and for my Wenhaver [Guinevere]. The might he thought to bring against Rome he now means to turn against me, his nephew, the man he claims he most loves. But I will meet him blow for blow, with every ally I can gather at my side. I will defend my right to the land and the woman he abandoned for so long, and with the clashing of our swords we will learn which of us has the right of it.

-- Mordred


I, Uther Pendragon, brother to Aurelius Ambrosius the good king of the Britons had been witness to a heavenly sign in the night sky recently in Winchester. At the sight of the star's rays shining over the Irish sea, I was so overcame with awe at the very splendor of the thing that I could not discern it's true meaning. In truth, all I could think of was the beautiful Igerna, wife of Gorlois, Duke of Cornwall. I sought out Geoffrey of Monmouth, who had been there at Winchester to witness the spectacle in the night sky. He had record of the event taking place in his book, The History of the Kings of Britain. In his reading of events, the star in the night sky reached not only far over the Irish sea but extended in the opposite direction into the reaches beyond Gaul territory. Geoffery also explained that the light in the sky infact was a sign indicating the death of my brother, King Aurelius Ambrosius. And indeed, it were true. Aurelius, the greatest king of the Britons has passed leaving none other than me to inherit the crown. Still I cannot understand the meaning of the star, does it signal the death of Britain's greatest king? Perhaps it means to imply the rise an even greater ruler in myself? Surely I will make a great king, and a great king should not be denied his truest passion? Perhaps the star in the sky with it's great ray was meant to show my true love for Igerna,  or even a sign for Gorlois to move on already! In the coming weeks we shall know for certain, for now all I can think of is how to get Igerna to love me.


I pray that the account in Wace's Roman de Brut does not reflect the truth of my own circumstances. Lord, let King Uther, who so generously took me as his wife for the sake of my beloved husband, killed fighting his army, not have deceived me so. Wace does not recount it, but I resisted King Uther's advances. I loved the duke, and was loyal to him. I begged him to take me from King Uther's court, which he did. For that slight against the King, he paid with his life, the very night I lay with a man who had his appearance. It is my eternal shame that I slept with a man not my husband, disguised though he was. To learn that the disguised man was King Uther, the same man that I then married, to whom I even now owe my loyalty as a wife...I could not bear it.  I do hope that my son, whom I was ordered to give up the night of his birth, is like the Arthur of Wace's work, a  "worthy knight," and "good and strong" king. It pained me greatly to read of Arthur's betrayal by his treacherous wife and nephew, even more to think of my own son, my Arthur, coming to such grief. 

 I suppose, when the time comes to read The Prose Merlin, that work which chronicles the version of the story which I have lived, I will find out how much the truth resembles Wace's account.

- Ygerne